Student bemoans Congressional food faux pas


Hey Congress, if pizza is a vegetable, a hot fudge sundae is milk, right?

By By Natalia Derechin, Features Production Editor

  Dear Congress:


  You had me worried for a second. I thought our country was in shambles, but apparently it’s not. If you could take the time out of your busy schedule to declare pizza a vegetable, then we must be in fantastic shape. If both Republicans and Democrats were able to come together and declare that one of America’s favorite foods is now a healthy and nutritious treat, then we must be in a state of perfect health.

 Please ignore the fact that my parent’s tax bill is more expensive than my college tuition will be. Also, don’t mind the fact that I might not be able to pay off my student loans, because of the wonderful debt that our country is in. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t know that pizza is now on the food pyramid as a healthy source of vegetables that will enable me to flourish and develop into the young lady my parents want me to be.

 It’s truly inspiring to know that you declared pizza a vegetable after Mrs. Obama mentioned that she wanted to make school lunches healthier. I don’t know what I would do without you. The thought of not consuming pizza really made me cringe. But now, not only can I eat pizza at school, but I can also tell my mom I ate my vegetables.

 I’m sure Mrs. Obama is just giddy about this new law of yours. Now instead of worrying that we’re going to explode because we eat too many hamburgers and too much fried chicken, she can be sure that if we eat 3,040 calories of one plain cheese pizza we will only see positive effects, because we’re eating vegetables, which means that we’re overdosing on healthy nutrients.

 And by the way, I always thought that tomatoes were fruit. When I was in elementary school, my fourth grade teacher noticed I had difficulty spelling the word “vegetable.” She wrote it out on the board multiple times, broke it down into syllables and defined the meaning of fruits and of vegetables. She made it abundantly clear that fruits are items of food that grow seeds. For instance, an apple is fruit, an avocado is a fruit, peppers are fruit and most importantly tomatoes are fruit. She taught me, on the other hand, that vegetables are parts of plants that are edible. These vegetables do not include any seeds. So brussel sprouts, asparagus and spinach are all vegetables. So, sorry Ms. Varno, all of your years teaching about the major differences in produce have now been proven illegitimate by a misinformed Congress.

 I came here to let you know that I am proud to live in a nation that cares about its citizens, a nation that will go to great lengths to defend food agencies and ultimately look out for its citizens. I, along with most children in this country, want to thank you for defending our livelihood. Our pizza-eating days will never be over thanks to you. Maybe diabetes rates will rise immensely, but it won’t matter because we’ll be eating vegetables and vegetables are good for you. Just one suggestion. Next time, when you’re passing a bill that is meant to impact schools and children all over the country, please look at a dictionary. Even my kid brother knows that tomatoes are fruit.




Natalia Derechin