Kyle in Context

By Kyle Edwards, Online Humor Columnist

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Hi my name is Kyle Sebastian Edwards. My favorite hobby is playing basketball, my favorite feeling is warmth and I, just like everyone else in the world, cannot finish a roll of Chap Stick without losing it.

The previous paragraph may not have let you get to know me perfectly, but hopefully a diary of my average school day period-by-period will.

 Period One, Law:

I took this class because I wanted to actually understand Law and Order. Unfortunately, my increased vocabulary on the legal system has not allowed me to enjoy the show. It is still a boring program that is better suited for retired citizens who cannot handle the intensity that shows such as Lost offer. The only thing that Law does is remind me that Lost is not on TV anymore.

Period Two, Pre Calculus:

I do not intend on being an engineer or an architect when I grow up. I will probably only use numbers for fantasy football and to do Sudoku puzzles. That said, anything relating to trigonometry will not help me chose between Drew Brees or Phillip Rivers. Or to know if one, two or three is the number that goes in a box.

Period 3, TV Production:

I help produce the TV show, but it’s usually the time of day when the hunger pangs start kicking in, so it’s not a lot of fun. Whenever we are roaming the halls filming, we are usually stopped by security. However, we simply flash our video cameras, and it’s all good. Word of advice— if you’re skipping class and have a camera, security won’t ask questions.

 Period 4, AP European History:

Learning about Martin Luther and Voltaire is fun and all, but if you have never had Mr. Carroll as a teacher, you are deprived of the wisest man since Confucius. My favorite story of his was how he wooed his first grade crush by showing her the race track he made in his desk. Mr. Carroll is my boy.

Lunch:

I eat my lunch.

Period 5, Journalism:

Originally, my goal was to write a story, before I graduate, so big that it gets someone fired. I’m talking about a Watergate story that would make me legendary among all high school journalists in Montgomery County. However, seeing that I’m humor columnist, the chances of that don’t seem very likely. Maybe next column…

Period 6, AP English:

Aside from improving my writing and critical reading skills, all this class has done is made me aware of the monopoly of College Board. They could want everyone in schools across the US to believe that the South won the Civil War and students would because we are desperate for college credits. College Board is as greedy as a convention of 1920’s steel conglomerate tycoons.

Period 7, General P.E. (Aide):

At first my friends thought it was kind of creepy that I was hanging around a bunch of freshman girls, but I do it because it’s a scientific fact that girls like you more if you are older. I have no problem with the self-esteem boost.

 I would like to close with a philosophical idea. The other day someone in my English class asked me, “What do you think it would be like to think in a different language?” After remarking at their stupidity, I thought about it a little more. Are our thoughts encrypted in a language? If so, do we think in terms of words, or rather in terms of pictures and impulses that are then translated to our mouths and hands?

 I included that philosophical idea so that you would think of me as a well-rounded person. Thank you, and remember, if you ever need money, there is always money in the banana stand.