The School Newspaper of Winston Churchill High School.

The Observer

The School Newspaper of Winston Churchill High School.

The Observer

The School Newspaper of Winston Churchill High School.

The Observer

Students learn how to really fight through reenacting the Battle of Gettysburg

Image by Maximus Wang
Muscular monstrosity Mikhail Tolstikov fires his howitzer cannon into a cluster of Union soldiers during the 16th reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg. Sending scores of blue uniformed men to their maker, Tolstikov can be heard shouting “TALYHO, LADS” as he fires another 12-pound iron all from his cannon.

When one thinks of school punishments, they think of office referrals, or phone calls home or even suspensions. Yet, an inventive new punishment has taken WCHS by storm. An experimental policy, first implemented by several other MCPS high schools, is seeing a trial period here in our beloved WCHS, and it is going great so far.

Under the new policy, students caught in “friendly brawls” in the school, from hallways to the gym, will be shipped off via USPS Express Mail to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, where they will be subjected to a historically accurate reenactment of the 1863 Battle of Gettysburg, complete with Union and Confederate uniforms, fully functional muskets and 12-pound-load howitzer cannons.

“Frankly, I think this policy was absolutely necessary,” a WCHS administrator said. This administrator opted to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. “It’s time those pesky children learned what real violence is.”

Over on the field of battle, some mandatory attendees find the experience thrilling. Mikhail and Alexey Tolstikov, hulking muscular twin brothers who were caught in a sumo-esque grappling match last week, are having the time of their lives in this vacation getaway.

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“This made something bad like a punishment more positive and educational, truly a life changing experience,” Union infantryman Mikhail Tolstikov said. “When I first heard of this, I didn’t know I would meet people that I would invite to my wedding.”

On the opposing side of the battlefield, Mikhail’s twin brother Alexey seems considerably more disoriented, likely due to the historically-inaccurate grapeshot wounds in his lower torso. Nonetheless, the younger and taller Tolstikov seemed to be enjoying himself.

“Woah, did you see that shot?” Alexey Tolstikov said, lowering his musket to peer towards a downed enemy combatant. “Dang, that one was spot on! What am I doing here again?”

Unfortunately, what was supposed to be an educational experience has recently devolved into chaos and teenage debauchery, as the mandatory attendees seem to have begun trash-talking the opposition on the field. 

“I ride my great stallion past your wretched mule!” Mikhail Tolstikov said, mounted on a beautiful white horse. It is unclear where he got the horse from. “You think you’re better than me, boy? I can load my musket in 21 seconds. Watch, heathen!”

Observing the spectacle from a live camera feed, the anonymous WCHS administrator shakes their head, watching Mikhail Tolstikov as he falls off the horse, landing on his rump.

“A revolutionary new punishment for sure,” the WCHS administrator said. “If only these little rats could see what a beautiful educational experience this is. Oh, what I would give to be fighting alongside General Meade once more!”

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Maximus Wang, Promotions & Subscriptions Manager
Maximus Wang is a sophomore and one of the many Promotions and Subscription goons on the Observer staff this year. When he’s not slaving away for one cause or another, he’ll probably be contemplating his life decisions or having an identity crisis, and usually, both. 

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