How to get a boyfriend in five easy steps!

WCHS student uses binoculars in the hallway to see what classroom her new boy obsession is going into.

Photo by Melissa Redlich

WCHS student uses binoculars in the hallway to see what classroom her new boy obsession is going into.

By Melissa Redlich, Double Truck "Specialist"

Everyone wants a partner. I mean, who are you without one? I know that your friends and parents might say that life is fine being single, but it really isn’t. For your sake, here’s how to get a partner ASAP. (You are going to want to take notes on this!)

Step #1: Who’s The Victim?

Time to do some digging. Who has caught your eye in the past? Who do you think would look best next to you? Who do you think has the best vibes? Whoever you are thinking about as you read this, that’s who you are meant to end up with. 

Now, some may think that love is a two-way street. However, that is some BS. You can force someone to fall in love with you, and I am going to show you how. 

Step #2: Map it Out.

If you are not already writing this stuff down, you are making a big mistake. This is the MOST important step. Underneath this is a list of the things you need to complete before you continue reading. 

  1. Find out their class schedule. I mean you don’t want them to walk through the hallways alone, right? Be there. Always. Ask them if you can carry their stuff, and if they say no, grab their stuff and run it to their class for them. 
  2. Find out where they live. This is a classic, but extremely vital task. Once you find their address, walk around the premises and stake your territory. And, if you are feeling a little rebellious, add a camera to the tree or bush outside their door. That way, you can see what time they return home from school (and plus, it makes Step #3 easier)!
  3. Find out where their parents work. This is an obvious one. 
  4. Find out what they like to do in their free time. They like to work out? So do you. They like to eat Chipotle? So do you. They play soccer? So do you. 
  5. Find their phone number. And their phone password (that’s just for fun). And, if you are already on their phone, try finding their social security number. 

Step #3: Go for the Gold.

Intercept. Intercept. Intercept.

That’s it. 

Intercept. Intercept. Intercept.

Say it again. Out loud. 

Intercept. Intercept. Intercept. 

Step #4: No Backing Out Now…

Now that you know so much about them, they know you exist and they are starting to fall in love with you (just trust me with this one). It’s time to go in for the kill. 

The next time that you intercept them (‘cause we have to be following Step #3), call them by a pet name. I’m talking about “honey,” “sweetie,” “love,” “darling,” the list goes on and on. This will get in their brain and soon, it will become normal to them. 

Step #5: Checkmate. 

Game over. You’ve got them. And if you don’t, I would honestly start these steps over with someone new. If they aren’t giving into these steps, then they must be psychotic. I mean, who wouldn’t fall in love with someone that follows them home and knows all their personal information? I can’t think of one.