Death of senioritis: new vaccine saves senior students


Photo By Jeremy Chung

WCHS chemistry teacher Walter White poses in front of his mass supply of senioritis vaccines before they are administered to WCHS. Some say this has driven him to Breaking Bad syndrome, but it’s just basic feelings.

By Jeremy Chung, Ha-Yeon Hater

The greatest vaccine of the twenty-first century will finally eradicate this deadly disease once and for all. And no, we are not talking about COVID-19, we are talking about senioritis. 

As the second semester is almost halfway done, the annual senioritis season strikes again in WCHS. Some of the major side effects include hogging the 50% rule, “forgetting” there was a test in a class, wearing their committed college-branded apparel every day, and the usual “wait first period doesn’t start at 8:15?” Don’t worry seniors, fret no more as the new senioritis vaccine will surely solve all these problems.

With his immense science knowledge, WCHS chemistry teacher Walter White developed a vaccine for what he calls “The Bomb.” The main formula behind the vaccine includes ingredients such as a shot of caffeine, a pinch of motivation powder, chili powder and what most people who stay in the bathroom the entire day refer to as the “good stuff.”

“The life of a senior is a lot like chemistry: it’s growth, then decay, then transformation,” White said. “Hopefully, the vaccine I create will cure senioritis and possibly be used on all students. It’s not even that hard to make; it’s just basic chemistry.”

After undergoing phase three clinical trials, the vaccine proved to be, like hand sanitizer, 99.99% effective, allowing the FDA to approve the vaccine for first use at WCHS. The first distribution phase will be given to seniors and faculty who have been at WCHS for 20+ years for well, obvious reasons.

“I’m so glad that seniors will be given the vaccine first, it’s a lifesaver,” WCHS senior Elton Wang said. “These past few months I’ve been really on and off and haven’t been performing well, especially at school. Wait a minute, this interview’s about senioritis?”

Staff members will also be excited to try out the vaccine. After all, they have dealt with more punchable teenagers than any average person should deal with in a lifetime.

“I’m not a scientist, but I know for a fact that anything with that “good stuff” works,” WCHS teacher Bing Qiling said. “I myself have been an anti-vaxxer, but I’ll do anything to prevent myself from slapping another student in the face.”

Despite the numerous benefits, many heavy side effects were observed during the clinical trials. These include signing up for more activities, sucking up to teachers and the most common one being an over-achiever.

“After taking this vaccine, life feels very sus,” WCHS senior and clinical trial participant Ido Notgaf said. “I’ve started actually turning things in before the hard deadline and getting to school at six a.m to have coffee with my teachers. I don’t even party anymore.”

The WCHS Health Department will also begin administering the vaccine to students who have developed symptoms of the senioritis variant, junioritis, due to an unexpected spike. 

“Junioritis hits harder than that time I got slapped by Bing Qiling,” WCHS junior Ethan Qiu said. “Hopefully this vaccine can work and I can have this every year like a flu shot because I’m going to need this stuff for the rest of my life.”

All said and done, the senioritis vaccine is a breakthrough in modern medicine that is sure to revolutionize the world of high school. While the vaccine is not without its side effects, the benefits far outweigh any potential risks. So, students and faculty of WCHS, roll up your sleeves and get ready to be senior-iously cured.