Dear Observer romance gurus,

To all those looking for romantic advice, this new column from the Love Doctors themselves is sure to prove useful!

Photo by Caitlin Murphy.

To all those looking for romantic advice, this new column from the Love Doctors themselves is sure to prove useful!

By Ela Jalil and Nur Yavuz

Dear Observer Romance Gurus,

I’ve liked this person for a long time but they’ve never seemed to notice me. We only pass each other in the hallways at school, but those are the best 20 seconds of my day. I wake up really early every morning to get ready to catch his attention, but he’s always talking with his friends. Prom is approaching and I want to go with him, but I’ve never talked to him in my life. How can I turn his head and get the Promposal of my dreams?

  • @Desperate&inLUV

Dear @Desparate&inLUV,

You’ve come to the right place! Follow these three easy steps to get the most memorable Prom date possible. 

  1. You’ve mentioned that you see him in the hallway every day utilize this! The best way to tell a guy that you like him is through a subtle glance in his direction it’s truly all he needs to spark those butterflies and know your true feelings. 
  2. Once you’ve caught his attention with your flirty gaze, it’s time to take it to the next level. Keep track of his class schedule but don’t get too close! Stay far enough so he doesn’t notice, but close enough so that you know the perfect time to “accidentally” run into him in the hallways. This strategy is the perfect way to orchestrate a meet cute consider carrying a stack of papers with you when you bump into him to get your perfect rom-com moment. 
  3.  Once you know where he’s going, consider the people around him. Integrate yourself into his circle and gauge his personality through his friends. Learn his likes and dislikes so that you know what topics to cover for the perfect first conversation between the two of you. 

This tried and true formula has a 93% success rate, and is guaranteed to get you the guy of your dreams. 


Dear Observer Romance Gurus,

I’ve been dating this girl for five months now, and I’m not so sure our relationship is working out. I like her a lot, but she never pays enough attention to me. My birthday was on May 10, and she didn’t even remember even though I treated her like a queen on Valentine’s day. I know she’s super into astrology and uses the excuse that she’s an aquarius to avoid our problems. I’ve been thinking about breaking it off, but I just need another sign. 

  • @taurus.lover.boy

Dear @taurus.lover.boy,

We’re sorry to hear about your girlfriend problems, and we hope that we can help you bring the spice back to your romance. Follow along to transport you back to your honeymoon phase!

  1. The first thing that we would suggest is acquiring a manifestation journal if you do not already have one. Every morning, afternoon and evening for 30 days write her name 100 times in your journal. She’ll love how hardworking you are when she sees how dedicated you are to your writing. 
  2. Try to be in her personal space as much as you can. Wear her clothing to keep her on you 100 percent of the time, and don’t be shy about it! Girls love it when guys are possessive – especially over their personal belongings. 
  3. The last piece of advice that we can give you is to not only focus on your relationship with your girlfriend. Make sure that you know her parents as well as you know her. Suggest double dates, and come over every night for family dinners. Girls love a family man.

Despite all of this advice that we’re giving you, as licensed astrologists, we believe that you are ultimately fated to break up. You being a taurus and her being an aquarius is a recipe meant for disaster. Good luck!


Dear Observer Romance Gurus, 

I’ve had a crush on my guy best friend since elementary school, but I’ve never made my feelings known. This summer when I finally worked my courage up to talk to him, I found out from an Instagram story that he has a girlfriend. I’m crushed but I don’t want to give up on him, how do I take his girlfriend out of the equation?

  • @ready2Bhomewrecker

Dear @ready2Bhomewrecker,

It’s a tale as old as time: girl best friend vs girlfriend. This time, we’ll make sure you win. 

  1. Make sure that his girlfriend knows every time you hang out with him, and emphasize how much longer you’ve known him. Show off the relationship you’ve built with his mom, and how close you are to the rest of his family. This will plant seeds of insecurity in his girlfriend, as she will come to realize how much better of a match you are for him.
  2. Randomly show up to each of their date nights to spice things up. Always try to intervene in any given situation, and make your presence known. Treat him like his dream girlfriend to prove you’re wifey material.
  3. Whenever you know that there is an important event happening in his girlfriend’s life, call him insisting that you need him by your side. This will reveal his loyalties towards you rather than his girlfriend and will shift the power dynamic in your favor. 

With all of our tips, you have all the weapons you need in your artillery to finally upgrade your status from best friend to girlfriend. 


Dear Observer Romance Gurus,

I’ve recently been noticing that my boyfriend of seven months has been starting to pull away from me. He never shows any interest in our dates, and is always on his phone texting someone else. I’m starting to get suspicious that he’s cheating on me. My friends are telling me to end things but I just want to know for sure before I break things off. What should I do to gather the evidence I need to make this decision?

  • @bae4life

Dear @bae4life,

These simple tests are sure to expose any impurities in your relationship. 

  1. Download trackers on his phone to keep control of where he’s going at all times. This way you’ll absolutely know if your partner is being dishonest, and there isn’t anything wrong with wanting to “make sure he’s safe.” 
  2. Surprise him with a grand gesture of love to gauge his reaction. Pick a landmark at a very public place to read his reactions and judge its genuinity. Disneyland is perfect to make any dream come true especially one about faithfulness.
  3. The third and most effective way to tell if your boyfriend is cheating on you is to conduct the basic catfish social media experiment. Open a secret social media account and set up your profile as someone other than you. Direct message him flirty and fun messages to see if he wavers, and then you have all the evidence you need. 

We hope that your boyfriend isn’t the lying cheater you suspect he is. Go get’em tiger!


Dear Observer Romance Gurus,

It turns out that my boyfriend was in fact NOT cheating on me, and was rather planning an elaborate surprise for our eighth month anniversary. Needless to say that isn’t happening anymore thanks to your “helpful” advice. I’ve done damage beyond repair and there is no chance of going back. I hope you guys are happy. 

  • @bae4life

Dear @bae4life,

We are not sorry for what happened, as all of our advice comes with a 98 percent success rate. You should have considered the two percent margin of error. If your relationship did not pass this test, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be! Contact us to get the benefits of our new single’s program. It is guaranteed to make you enjoy the benefits of single life!

  • XOXO the Observer Romance Gurus