The Cook Book

By Charles Cook, Staff Columnist

As I near the end of my second semester as a junior and enter the final phase of the upperclassmanship that is senior year, it is interesting to reflect upon my life at CHS over the past few months. In particular, I’m beginning to notice the things around the school that would have previously been overlooked by my underclassmen eyes.

 

Among other things, facial hair began to sprout, a manly, suave voice emerged from my vocal cords, and my head grew nearer to the ceiling. However, what I have begun to take notice of here at CHS is, ironically, the interactions and habits of underclassmen.

 
Sure, it’s always priceless to get a cheap laugh watching a clueless freshman trip and stumble, yet I choose to observe the interactions of these little beings for another reason: more often than not, any given action of a freshman or sophomore will be the exact opposite of what is cool. It is because of my constant observation that I am able to publish an article such as this. Worry no more uncool students, for your rescue is here: How to be Fresh: The Unrated and Uncut Upperclassman Edition.

 
1. Never look where you’re going in the hallway.
That’s right; you guys are on top of the food chain, so why should you worry about the occasional clash with a freshman in the hallways? Chances are, you’re gonna be bigger than the kid, and even if you aren’t, hopefully he’ll simply be intimidated by the fact that you’re an upperclassmen. Trust me, it will be worth it, because there is not a cooler sight in the world than a junior or senior blindly wandering around the hallways as if he doesn’t even go to this school. (Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for the trouble you will get in for the accidental bump with a teacher or injury received when colliding with a wall or locker.)

 
2. Never answer when a girl calls your name.
Back when I was a freshman, the second I heard a girl even whisper the first syllable to my name, I would jump out of my seat in an attempt to work my magic upon her. Now that you are living the life of an upperclassman, nothing will attract the ladies more than a guy who couldn’t care less about them. They will enjoy the challenge. And even better, if you happen to be performing step number one and a girl calls your name, you can attempt to pull off the blindly-wandering-senior-who-doesn’t-care-about-anything look.

 
3. Study hard and get good grades, yet act unprepared and slightly stupid.
Now, there’s one thing out there that screams “I’m fresh,” and that’s a kid who can pull off the greatest marks in school while appearing stupid or terribly unprepared. For one thing, you’ll make kids jealous. That’s the key. Trust me, try it.

 
Before your next math test, pay attention to the unit, do all your homework and study for the test. Then when test day comes and your friend asks you if you are prepared, just go, “We have a math test today? Oh well, there’s no way I could know about anything on it, I sleep everyday in class.”  When you get your test back, your friend will see a big fat 98 percent written on the top, making his measly 84 percent look like chump change. Not only will he be jealous, but he will be utterly dumbfounded. Causing confusion is fresh.

 
Well there you have it, all you unfresh-soon-to-be-upperclassmen. Armed with the knowledge you have just gained from reading this article, you have the power and ability to become a fresh junior or senior, strutting around the halls of CHS like you own the place.