The Gospel According to Gloger

By Ben Gloger Staff Columnist

Churchill, shed nary a tear more, for I tell you there is hope. Something magnificent is coming. Something that defies reality in its wonder and inconceivability. Something that is glazed with a candy coating and filled with rambunctious puppies, a young child’s laughter, volleyballs, a Disney ending, and the narration of Morgan Freemen. An entity so magnificent that my heart skips a beat and my knees wobble just thinking about it. Best of all, like an awkward silence after an intruding fart, this thing is just around the corner.

I am, of course, talking about spring break. That ethereal week-and-a-half in which all the pent-up anxiety of the school year is thrown to the not yet too humid wind is almost here, and I’m giddier than a school girl. Just thinking about it causes the song “Tik Tok” to emanate from my body, and I am literally bursting at the seams; blood is pooling along my sides and I think I can see my kidneys. But who cares? It’s spring break time baby and even self implosion can’t bring me down.

It’s a fact that spring break is the king of breaks. Anyone who says otherwise is simply ignorant and I hate them. Winter and thanksgiving break can’t touch it, for they come way too soon for the angst of school to have taken its toll, which makes a vacation that much more rewarding. Even our beloved summer plays second fiddle, for it’s the brevity of spring break that forces one to take full advantage of every possible moment, making it that much more exhilarating. Even those Carnival Cruise commercials fail to fully grasp the sheer awesomeness that is spring break (though those tantalizing offers sure do come damn close–a rock climbing wall and a slide, all on one boat!?)

Yet, as if this wasn’t enough, this spring break I am attending the senior class trip to the Bahamas. Indeed, my spring break promises to contain strobe lights paired with little clothing and an absence of parental figures. I’m genuinely worried that the anticipation may in fact kill me, yet such an experience would be akin to drowning in a pool of chocolate Snack Pack–I really wouldn’t be able to complain.

However, I digress. My intention is not to brag about the endless dancing and inevitable shenanigans that will be the senior spring break trip. Instead, I am here to acknowledge that many will not find themselves traveling to an exotic locale this spring break. The fact is, as long as you are just another typical kind-of-sorta’-hard-working-sometimes-when-I-feel-like-it-and-the-games-and/or-any-show-involving-a-talk-show-host-and/or-pregnant-teenagers-isn’t-on kind of guy, than you are just like me and it’s not fair that I get to go to the Bahamas and you don’t. I understand this and the guilt is killing me. So, in an effort to alleviate this guilt I have provided a few alternatives for the otherwise stranded.

1. Fill a large bucket with water and position it against a sandbox while playing recorded sounds of flying seagulls, giggling girls and whimsical children in the background. It’s not much, but you’ll be surprised how relaxing it is so long as you keep your eyes closed. Tip: for added effect enlist a younger/weaker individual, preferably a freshman, to continually fan you. Add coconut bikinis for even more fun (regardless of fanner’s sex).

2. Sit in a chair and play out those Corona commercials with a friend (with apple juice, of course).

3. See how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop but instead use an orange; see if you can actually throw up from eating too much candy, run through the woods screaming and see what happens, make an intricate fruit salad, devise a reasonable scheme for world domination with a time frame of 25 years and eat an entire watermelon and then use its outer shell for purposes nature did not intend (or did it?).

4. Continue to stalk people on Facebook, but amp it up it a little bit and see if you can actually find out the address of a complete stranger. I don’t actually recommend you do this one, and if you do, I urge you to promptly bring yourself to the nearest police station.

5. Read a book… I’m just kidding about that one. Instead, stimulate your brain by other means, like seeing how many times you can bite into a Popsicle without crying/passing out from the brain-freeze.

Whatever endeavor you find yourself mixed up in this spring break, it is my dream that everyone have a reason to look forward to it. No matter what your plans maybe, the fact is we, more than anyone else in the entire world, need this time to relax and simply blow off some steam. Whether it’s never ending homework, social and opposite sex anxiety or a general hatred towards everything, spring break is our one and only opportunity to get away from it all, and you would be a fool to let it pass by. No matter where you are, ensure the continuation of your sanity by remembering to enjoy every moment you get. And please, no guest appearances in any wild movies.