MCPS begins swine flu extermination

By Eric Levin, Staff Writer

After four months of extensive planning, the Board of Education, in collaboration with the PTSA, has agreed to place a 10-by-20 poster that reads “No Swine Flu Allowed” in front of the CHS entrance.

The poster is a breakthrough in swine flu preparation, and its effect on student morale is certain to be astronomical.

The Student Member of the Board (SMOB) also had a hand in the poster’s conception. He labored intensively on selecting the poster’s picture, eventually settling on an image of a pig covered by a red X.

The poster will be complemented by smaller signs throughout the halls and a postcard-sized denomination which students will be encouraged to tape to their binders.

These posters are only the first step in the comprehensive battle to be waged by CHS against swine flu. The second step involves prepping teachers and staff on the new Code Green.

A Code Green will be announced in the event that swine flu is located on or near school grounds. In the event of a Code Green, students are advised to hide in their backpacks as security personnel assume their positions at the school entrance, armed with double-barreled shotguns and holy water.

In the event of swine flu infiltrating a classroom, teachers are instructed to make use of the new Swine Flu Bell System; a long string threaded along the ceiling that connects to little bells hanging in front of each classroom.

Upon the ringing of the bell, security will immediately come to the classroom and remove the flu carrier from the facility.

The ill student will then be recommended for expulsion in accordance to Article 38 of the Student Handbook.

MCPS policy states that a weapon infraction consists of possessing weapons including, but not limited to, pocketknives, BB guns, stink bombs, water pistols and deadly viral contagions (the latter was added on Aug. 30).

Under this amended infraction, the possession of one of seven contagions ranging from Tuberculosis to the H1N1 strand of flu will be punishable by either expulsion or the suspension of one’s parking permit.

Those who wish to learn specifics regarding the school’s swine flu preparations are in luck; details on CHS’ preparations will be distributed monthly during English classes.