Tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse

Tips+for+surviving+the+zombie+apocalypse

The hallways are bare of another living soul. The school colors once a pristine display on the walls, now mix with red.  The auditorium doors are locked shut, with chains looped through the adjoining handles, the circle completed with a padlock. Wide, large letters, written with a panicked slant, read: Don’t Open—Dead Inside.  This is the zombie apocalypse.

In this apocalypse, a virus has broken out that has turned many humans into bloody zombies.  But how would all humanity, including CHS students, survive?

Before panic breaks out, let’s define exactly what a zombie is.  A zombie is created when a human being is infected by some kind of virus that destroys the human’s personality, leaving behind a zombie mind that desires human brains and flesh.  Even the government believes all people should prepare for a zombie apocalypse.  The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has a website with a whole page regarding the possibility of a zombie takeover.

Many CHS students are unprepared to take action if a zombie apocalypse occured.

According to an Observer survey of 50 CHS students, 70 percent of students claim that they are not overall mentally or physically prepared for a zombie apocalypse if one were to break out , so the Observer is giving four tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Rule 1: Never travel alone.  Find a pack of trustworthy, loyal people to survive with.

The worst possible thing to do in the case of a zombie apocalypse is to travel alone.  Find a pack of reliable people to travel with, not ones who will slow down the group.  For example, do not bring the girl who always mentions that pop quiz that the teacher forgot to give that day.  Instead, bring the big, brawny varsity football jock who knocks down anyone in his path.  However, while fighting the dead, fear the living and make sure that every single person in the survival pack can be trusted.

According to freshman Stephanie Prussick, she will only take the boys with the big biceps and triceps with her when the zombie apocalypse strikes.

“I would bring strong people,” Prussick said.  “They can carry me.”

Rule 2: Find a weapon of choice that will slay zombies but not attract them.

Ditch the toy sword and get a real one.  The best way to fight zombies is to find a weapon of choice.  But what is the best weapon to use?

According to junior Claudia Barnett, she would opt to bring a gun so that, “she would not have to get close” in order to escape zombies.

While guns can be handy, the noise and light from the blazing bullet can instantly attract zombies.  Instead, try to find any kind of weapon that is silent, like a knife, a sword or even a bow with a full quiver of arrows.  Lightsabers, the real, authentic kind, also suffice  Be sure to never let a zombie bite or scratch any group member, or else they will become a zombie, so it is always good to have a weapon around.

Rule 3: Make sure the supplies you pack do more good than harm.

Only pack the essentials to surviving: peanut butter, an electric blanket and a survival guide.  Stuff your backpack with clothes and imperishable food, too.

Junior Alex Kalik said he would take a lightweight and tasty treat to  satisfy his hunger after a hard day of destroying zombie brains.

“I would take Twinkies,” Kalik said.  “They’re awesome and they last forever.”

Rule 4: NEVER fall in love or partake in any romantic affair with a zombie.

This scenario, in reality, is not another Summit Entertainment supernatural romance like Twilight or their newest romantic zombie flick Warm Bodies.  Even if they have a really nice body or good hair, stay away from them and avoid making out with them.  Also, if an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is one of the living dead, listen to Taylor Swift’s breakup songs instead.  Remember, they only love humans for their brains.

According to sophomore Jaclyn Shin, zombies  are too revolting to date, anyway.

“No, I would never date a zombie,” Shin said.  “I’m a clean freak, and that’s gross.”

Before running head-first into the walking dead, pick up the Observer first.  Remember, stock up on Twinkies and do not treat the zombie apocalypse like the next Twilight movie.  Good luck surviving the living dead.