Remember Gatorade and Powerade? Those were children’s energy drinks for quenching your thirst. Then came Red Bull, Umph, Monster, Mochas, Lattes, Cappuccinos and Frappuccinos—stimulants that are all about giving you a good morning dose of caffeine.

Now comes the Powerizer, and it is all business. No artificial flavors or high fructose corn syrups. No dyes to make you think your blue raspberry drink is actually blue. The Powerizer strips away the flashy décor and gets right down to the basic element all energy drinks aspire to provide: pure, unadulterated oomph.

What is oomph? In vague terms, oomph is the motivation behind human action. Scientists have pinned its exact strength per gram to be between 1.15 and 1.27 ounces of caffeine. So how is it that the Powerizer is packed with oomph? Simple: upon popping open a can, a fit, 31-year-old male’s fist flies out and punches the drinker. The result: pure serenity.

With the advent of this new energy marvel, nutritionists around the world are advocating a revision to the standard food pyramid in which caffeine will be placed in its long-deserved spot at the base, just below the grains.

According to nutritionists, oomph, in its myriad forms, is the most important food group in a growing teen’s diet. Looking around CHS, the proof is abundant.

Students who have not obtained their daily oomph are known to roam the halls, pining about how they need a Red Bull. You can always recognize someone with oomph-deficiency by the bags under their eyes and the way they tell everyone who passes them just how tired they are.

What these people need is a nice healthy punch in the head followed, preferably, by several quick jabs to their abdomens. That should wake them up.

The Powerizer offers just that…and more!

It is recreational—shake it and hand it to your friend to see him get repeatedly socked in the face.

It is convenient—unlike previous energy drinks, the Powerizer does not have to be consumed.

It is customizable—the Powerizer’s fist only lashes out in the direction you aim it.

It is healthy—using a Powerizer once a week should not kill you.

It is handy—every can comes equipped with its own peel-off Band-Aid.

So go out to the store, spend a couple hundred bucks on a Powerizer, freeze it, and pop it open in the morning. There is nothing more rejuvenating then a cold, hard, fist full of oomph.