Kyle in Context


By By Kyle Edwards, Online Humor Columnist

I believe in using the knowledge gained in some parts of life to succeed in others. My goal over the past year was to become a successful fantasy football manager, so I focused all my attention on one league and created a system of winning where my idealism and favoritism came last. I learned both of these lessons in history and politics classes.

When everyone else in the class would ask, “When are we ever going to need this in life?” I took expansive notes on “real politik” and the rises and falls of the empires in history. Their ignorance was my bliss.

My system of “moneyball,” the name creatively taken from the recent Brad Pitt film, revolved around using the “real politik” strategies of famous statesmen, such as Otto Von Bismarck, as well as the Roman and Ottoman Empire’s rise to prominence.

In the mid-19th Century, Bismarck made it his goal to unite the Germanic states into a unified German republic. He allied with Austria to wage war on Denmark in order to win back land and then did a complete 180 and waged war on Austria. He was all about uniting his country through political actions that may have gone against his personal beliefs.

Idealism is for losers. Any good fantasy football player can tell you this. While it’s admirable to stockpile players from your favorite team while avoiding any players from your rival team, Bismarck would not approve.

As a Saints fan, I always used to have Drew Brees on my team, even if this meant a mid season trade that cost me many valuable players. It was about pride to me, but as Marcellus Wallace told Butch in Pulp Fiction, “The night of the fight you might feel a slight sting. That’s pride [expletive-ing] with you. [Expletive] pride.”

While Drew Brees was available on the day of the draft, I opted instead to take a running back on the rise (LeSean McCoy). I drafted a quarterback in the fifth round nobody would risk taking (Matthew Stafford). And with the top record in the league and trade talks starting for Brees, I said no and stuck with what worked.

Fantasy Football may have ruined my fanhood, but I’ll take a successful Fantasy Football season with a little monetary incentive over minimal bragging rights associated with my favorite team. Bismarck would approve.

The Ottoman and Roman empires expanded greatly because of cutting edge strategies and great leadership. My moneyball and real politik strategies were both cutting edge. I wouldn’t want to boast about me being a leader comparable to Julius Caesar or Sullieman, but my league leading record speaks for itself.

It was in the days of doodling and idolizing Drew Brees that my fantasy football success was minimal. Now my fantasy team, “Charles Mulligan,” looks to wreak havoc on the other teams in my league the same way Germany did over its rivals after it united.